Joy Among the Chasms

I'm not really sure what I am doing here.  6 years ago, I had a blog and it told the story of my son and his 1 hour and 57 minutes of life.  It also told the story of the 28 weeks that I carried him and the grieving and joy and complete range of emotions of telling him "Hello", "I love you" and "goodbye" in a moment.  I wrote there this morning to tell him happy birthday, and then I came here.

In there years since my son was born, I have not written much, maybe because I have never considered myself a writer.  Maybe because I did not think I had anything to say.  But in reality, there have been so many thoughts in my head that have felt like that had no where to go, except to continue to circle and at times overwhelm my mind.  I think I may not have written because the thoughts were nothing of interest to anyone else.  It could have been fear that someone might actually read what I write and I am a people pleaser and cringe at someone not liking something I do.  6 years ago when I wrote and shared some of my fears and distraught emotions, I was facing my greatest fear.  The fear of watching my child died overshadowed any fear of what others might think or say.  I was in momma mode, ready to do anything to protect my children.

While I am still in momma mode when it comes to my two boys, I am not in momma mode when it comes to my thoughts and challenges.

So here I am, writing again.  I am not sure where this is going to go or when I will write.  I am not sure if I will share this with family and friends.  So if you found this page, please be prepared for the unknown and maybe a little bit of everything.

What I do know is this, I am a 36 year old wife, mom, daughter, niece, sister, friend.  I am me and I am still figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.  I work outside the home and if you look at my home, it is evident that housekeeping is not my super power.  My boys are my life.  My 9 year old is my compassionate, emotional, protective son.  He is also a clown that inherited my desire for perfectionism (our perfectionism does not extend to keeping the house clean!).  My 3 year old is my rainbow, though he moves through life like a storm.  He is vivacious (nice way to describe the crazy energy he has).  He is in awe of his brother.  Both of them laugh with a joy that challenges all darkness to leave the room.  My 6 year old, he watches us from heaven.  There is so much more I could say, but today is his birthday and my heart is heavy, so maybe another day.  My husband is my sole mate, my best friend and sometimes the person that can push all my buttons!  I have known him and he has been by my side for over half my life.  He gets me better than anyone and he would probably tell you he doesn't get me at all.

When my son died, my heart was broken and while the chasms remain, I do not remain in the depths of them.  In spite of grief, I find joy.